– Encourage the parents to take their time to do or feel ANYTHING that they want to and don’t hurry them
– Hold back on your own and other people’s opinions
– This dead baby is still their baby. Encourage the parents to do whatever caring acts they wish with the baby i.e. hold her/him, cuddle her/him, kiss her/him, wash her/him, photograph her/him, dress her/him, video her/him, even take the body home. Don’t be afraid to ask, suggest, support and encourage these things.
– Look at the baby as a parent would and tell the parents that he/she is beautiful or sweet if you think so.
– Use the baby’s name & words like “mum”, “dad”, “son” or “daughter”, etc… They are still true.
– The time immediately after the death is a precious one, in which to make a lifetime of memories. They need to soak up as much as they can bear, as it will help them through the grieving process later. They need to be as aware as possible.
– Show your emotions, cry and be human.
– Have & show respect and compassion for the parents and the baby
– Ask if you can organise any practical help for when they get home: cooking, cleaning, shopping, childcare, etc… or just ask what they honestly need.
– Listen – let them talk their story though as many times as they want to and don’t be afraid to ask questions and to speak about the baby by name. You will learn through listening and it will help you and them to try and understand. Also. Don’t be afraid to sit in silence.
– If you can’t be there physically WRITE to the family – a simple card or a letter – these will be treasured.
– Remember and let them know you remember, as months and years pass, remember the baby by name in conversation or on anniversaries or holidays in cards – it will mean a lot.
SUMMARY OF THE PRINCIPLES OF GOOD PRACTICE – from the SANDS website www.uk-sands.org
1. Parents should be able to feel in control, and should be supported in making their own decisions about what happens to them and to their baby.
2. The care given to parents should be responsive to their individual feelings and needs.
3. Parents need information.
4. Communication with parents should be clear, sensitive and honest.
5. Parents should be treated with respect and dignity.
6. Parents loss should be recognised and acknowledged, their experience and feelings validated.
7. Parents need to be given time.
8. All those who care for families after the loss of a pregnancy or babys death should be well informed.
9. All those who care for families after the loss of a pregnancy or babys death should have access to support for themselves.
10. All those who care for families after the loss of a pregnancy or babys death should be given opportunities to develop their knowledge, understanding and skills.
HELPFUL WORDS
– I’m so sorry
– I am here and I would like to listen to you
– I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you feel
– Take your time
– I don’t know what to say
– It makes me so sad
– How can I help you?
– Do you feel like talking about him/her?
– Please don’t feel bad about crying in front of me. Tears are healing.
– This must be very difficult for you
– Or just hug them and show your own emotions. You don’t always need words.
UNHELPFUL BEHAVIOUR
– Acting as if nothing has happened
– Wanting to pacify parents to alleviate their pain. Playing down factors to “make them feel better”
– Pressuring parents to feel better
– Judging or condemning their feelings
– Protecting them from the reality of their loss or making uninvited decisions in their place
– Wanting to spare them painful confrontations e.g. by putting away the baby things or avoiding the subject in conversation
PLEASE DONT SAY
– Thank god you didn’t have time to know the child
– Better now than later
– You can have other babies
– Be thankful for the other healthy children you already have
– It was for the best
– It was God’s will
– Be glad – your child would not have been normal/healthy/etc…
– You are lucky to be alive
– Please don’t cry
– I know how you feel (unless you have had a similar experience)
– (to the father) Now you must be strong for her or how is she? without asking HIM how he is too)
FURTHER ADVICE
please look through our reading list in the resouces section of this website where you can find books that may help you further.
