Fathers Page
written by fathers for fathers from our support group
Men tend to have difficulty expressing their feelings in situations like this, and shedding tears is both necessary and therapeutic for most of us. In fact it can do more harm than good keeping that old British “stiff upper lip”, and bottling up these overwhelming emotions. Unfortuneately many people (men and women) see crying as a sign of weakness in a man – NOT SO!
Many men find it difficult to cry. This doesnt mean you dont care; it is quite normal for men not to cry. Equally it is alright to cry if you feel the tears are there. Grieving doesnt always have to involve breaking down in tears. There are many ways that emotions can be felt and expressed. Expressing them in a way that is appropriate to you can help make you feel a little better and can be a release. Not expressing them may make you feel worse than ever and angry or fustrated.
Other men may not be able to handle your tears, unless they have had a similar experience.Try to find someone like this with whom you can really let go, or a woman with whom you feel comfortable (perhaps someone else apart from your partner).
If you don’t have friends who fit the bill, you might try a professional counsellor, specialising in bereavement therapy. Many GP practices have them on their teams these days, at little or no cost for a limited number of sessions. There is also the bereavement charity Cruse (see our contacts page)who can supply someone to talk to, who has been properly trained, at no cost to you, although they don’t have specialists in the loss of a baby.
Although you both experience the same loss, your experiences can be quite different. Your partner has spent nine months carrying your baby. For men the experience can be more distant and surreal. You see your partner changing and your baby growing but you don’t feel it and experience the hormonal changes that accompany pregnancy.
You have both lost a child but you may not feel the same as your partner at the same time and that can bring with it feelings of guilt.
The typical male thing is to try and fix it; we tend to be fixers but this time we face an insoluble problem and that can be hard to take.
Anger can be a predominate feeling. Men typically like to have things under control and the loss of control you experience when your baby dies is immense. You mustnt expect yourself to be invincible; nobody is. Anger is a common response. This is normal and only a problem if it becomes uncontrollable. Anger management, counselling or physical exercise can help.
It is important to be gentle with yourself; just as you are being with your partner.
Immediately after the loss of your baby it is important for you to be involved with holding him/her if you are able to. These memories will be valuable to you later. Equally it is important to be involved in preparations for the funeral. This is something you can do for your child.
Many men cope by keeping busy. You may often find yourself supporting your grieving partner more than thinking of your own grief. In the early stages you may be the one organising practical things like the funeral.
There is often a pressure to express your feelings and discuss things. It is important to appreciate that this may be essential for your partner.
It may be equally important to appreciate that how YOU feel and what YOU need may be different and that this is not something you have to feel guilty about. Men and women often have different coping mechanisms, which require different things at different times. What is important is to communicate and appreciate where each of you are and what you both need. You are both entering a grieving process and for a man this is equally important to remember. Throwing yourself back into work for a while, for example, could be just as legitimate as having extensive counselling – so long as your partner appreciates this is what you need at that time. You just must be prepared that both yourself and your partner will go through different stages at different times and to just go with that.
Men typically find it harder to identify and utilise a support network. This may be just talking to a close friend, working, attending a support group or seeking counselling. Male friends often seem to find it hard to discuss such a taboo subject as the death of a baby and you may be disappointed with their response. It is easy to judge them harshly, but speaking with them honestly about what has happened and what is happening for you now can make things easier for both parties to engage with the subject.
Not only have you lost a child, but you have lost a part of your partner, as they struggle to come to terms with the loss. This can put immense strain on your relationship. It is important to LISTEN TO EACH OTHER and communicate so problems are identified and sorted out and you can both try and appreciate how the other person is.
Your partner may often need to express how they feel to you and this can sometimes be very hard to hear as it is hard to see someone you love in pain, but they are not looking for a solution from you. You may have to support your partner going through counselling and may find that this throws up intense emotions for her.
You will both have changed through the experience. Some of these changes will take months or even years.
Losing a child is a fundamental loss and one that can make you question all aspects of your life. You may even question your own mortality.
Losing a child is something that you never get over. It is something that you simply have to learn to live with; sometimes this will be easier than others.
Please look through our reading list in our resources section as there are several books listed there by and for fathers.
