some practical suggestions
– The funeral – remember you can do anything you want. There are very few rules. Don’t feel pressured into having things you don’t feel happy with. Most undertakers (if you even choose to use them) do not charge for babies’ funerals. It may help you to organise the funeral yourself. It may help to engage close friends and family in this process too, as they will want to help.
– Write a letter of farewell to your baby and place it in their coffin.
– Create a special place in your home dedicated to your baby, perhaps with a photo or toy or ornament or candle, where you and your family can focus on him/her. A special poem, song or prayer for your baby may nourish you and your relationship to your baby and can be a daily moment of contact. You could also create a special book/box.
– Talk – talk your story though as many times as you can with anyone who will listen. They will learn through listening and it will help you and them to try and understand. Or write it down. You could send copies to friends who are further afield. This can help to reach out to a further network of friends and help them to feel you are not cutting off from them. It makes them part of the brief life of your child and you and your family’s life.
– Let other people share your grief and let them show you theirs. Remember other people in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. They may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. Don’t tell them you are fine if you are not. By allowing them to help you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.
– Support – Contact other people who have been through this experience to talk to though internet bulletin boards, local support groups, friends or telephone helplines.(contacts included in this pack)
– Express your grief in any way that suits you – cry, sing, write a journal or poetry, listen to music, read, do a physical activity, etc…
– Healing: Take the time to look after yourself. Try homeopathy, counselling, flower remedies, cranial osteopathy or other therapies that can really help.
– Get copies of the medical/delivery notes and ask someone who understands them to read through them with you and to explain them to you in detail.
– If you feel you don’t have the photo that you wanted of your baby, you can have an artist’s impression drawn or painted from photos or descriptions. It may help to try and draw pictures yourself of what you remember or feel about your baby (try it even if you don’t feel you can draw).
