This section of the web site is still being written. Apologies for any repetition or incomplete views and ideas…
FEELING READY TO TRY AGAIN
This will be different for everyone depending on your circumstances.
Medical advice and conditions will mean many couples wait for a while before trying to conceive following a loss. Others may not be able to bear the thought of being pregnant again so soon. This can give the body as well as the heart and mind some time to heal and much needed space to grieve. It is very important to grieve for your lost child.
For many couples, waiting can be unbearable and there may not seem like any other point in going on with life. For some, especially those who have lost a first child, becoming parents can feel like the only important thing in life. A pregnancy that follows close to a loss can be a great blessing and offer great healing and hope, but will almost certainly delay grieving to some extent.
Whenever you become pregnant again, there will be a time when you have to grieve for your lost baby and a new pregnancy will often be hard, but can offer great hope and purpose too.
Counselling can often help, for both partners, in coming to a point where you feel ready to try again.
BEING PREGNANT AGAIN
Many couples worry that they may not be able to bond with their new baby, because of their feelings of loss and grief. It is common to feel that you may not be able to love another child as much as a previous one, even if all your children live.
Counselling can be hugely beneficial in a subsequent pregnancy as there will be many worries and fears, as well as grief to deal with.
It may be helpful also to seek extra support through your pregnancy through active birth teachers, yoga teachers, midwives or doulas, who can offer you one-to-one support, as often the usual pre-natal courses can seem very inappropriate and filled with women and couples who are happily expecting first babies. Online support groups for pregnancy after loss can be extremely helpful for those who feel no one understands their feelings. (see list of web-sites in Resources).
Many couples feel that they can not believe they will have live and healthy baby at the end of their pregnancy. They have lost their innocence about pregnancy, birth and babies and know that things can go wrong. It doesn’t matter how unlikely it is there is bound to be the worry that it could happen again.
Many women find the stress builds to the point at which things went wrong last time, after which things may become a little easier. Sometimes it is hard to realise how fearful you may have been until those fears begin to subside.
ANTENATAL CARE
Some couples may feel strongly that they want to see the same midwives and doctors again, as they have been through the experience with them. Others will feel exactly the opposite, and want everything to be different. The choices are there and you should feel able to ask to be treated differently. You can request different midwives, hospitals, consultants, etc…
It can be a good idea to make a birth plan that outlines and describes your previous experience, which midwives and doctors can see before caring for you. You could also outline your strongest fears and concerns there and what you feel you will need.
For many it is especially important in the next and subsequent pregnancies to have continuity of care, so that trust can hopefully be built up and a relationship established between the parents and the care givers. It helps not to have explain your history every time you see someone in a pregnancy. It helps when care givers are informed about what has happened previously. If they can make sure that they have read the maternity notes before appointments it is EXTREMELY helpful and can avoid emabarrasing and painfully akward situations and comments. Simple questions like “Is this your first?” or “How old are your other children?” can be excutiating for the pregnant woman, especially if she is expecting the other person to know her history. Special SANDS teardrop stickers or other signs on the front of the notes can be useful alert staff to the sensitivity of this case, if the mother wants this. This is especially important for Sonographers, as scans are always an incredibly stressful and anxious time, especially if this was how you discovered that your baby had died. Don’t be afraid to tell midwives, doctors and hospital staff what you need.
It can take a lot of courage to trust medical staff and the process of pregnancy and birth again.
Scans and tests and monitoring – Reassuring or worrying?
It can be very hard, if not impossible, to get to any antenatal classes in a subsequent pregnancy. They tend to be filled with people naively expecting their first baby and you can feel like a bit of a social outcast or all doom and gloom comparativley. If you are lucky you may find a group where you can open up a little. Sometimes this can be easier in smaller yoga groups or active birth classes.
The gender of the next baby can be a huge issue for many with emotional hardships either way. more…
AFTER THE BABY IS BORN – PARENTING AFTER A LOSS
As with above antenatal classes, it can sometimes be hard to attend new baby groups and face the reactions of other people to questions like “is this your first?” etc… and discussions about pregnancy and birth. Hopefully you will expereince some sensitive and good reactions to your story as well and sometimes sharing can allow you to develop deeper friendships. It is certainly helpful to get out and meet other mothers and babies, as you will still be experiencing all the trials and delights of a new baby that everyone else goes through.
You may feel huge guilt about having another baby. You may feel giulty for loving it or guilty for not loving it as much as you feel you should in comparison to your baby who has died. Or these may be fears you experience during the pregnancy. Often, once baby has arrived and after you have settled into your relationship, you may find that the love you have for your baby who has died benefits your living child (or children) greatly, as you appreciate them in a special way and love them all the more.
Fears for your living children – You may find yourself fearing for the saftey of your new baby or other children. This is very normal. The new baby will probably find itself prodded and poked and checked on much more than other babies to see if it is still breathing! The baby wont mind. Do what you need to to reassure yourself.
Others may expect that once you have another baby that it somehow makes “everything alright”. In reality, whilst another baby may help your healing process greatly, it may be a time when you feel your loss even more strongly than ever. The birth of a healthy live baby reminds you and shows you everything that you have lost in a more profound and real level. And you relive that pain in every wonderful and miraculous thing that your new baby does that your dead baby never got to do. This time when everyone around you assumes you are wonderfully happy (and you may feel that you should be so yourself) can be a time of great sadness also and can be very lonely as others can not understand it. Other members of the family can find it hard to understand especially, even your partner.
