Now and then
I worry that I do not light his face or his heart when I walk in the room or to quick the beat in his body. The special smiles and enlightenment are now reserved for others that have always been close; the softest words spoken are not mine or his, nor the special cuddles, the mere sweetest kiss. The space I once occupied I no longer do, and it is this yearning to do so, which makes me feel so doomed. Whose eyes do I light now? None or few it seems. As I live with night demons and failure to sleep because when I do, the monsters arrive too, to remind me of loss, and death and strife, of a life once longed for, forever now doomed.
So what now I ask and what next? I can only do today, tomorrow is not safe yet. I ask for help each hour, each day to keep me safe, to be loved by invisible wings that I know remain true. They sweep me along in their daily embrace, remind me I am special and to keep true, to live each day as though it is my last, and yet not wish it so, there is too much to do. The mission is not yet over as this is my life. I have to one day show others how to be with the few. To cry and be with them, to show that they are real, that they are able to feel sadness and loss and to know too that we yearn for our angel babies who play on heaven s garden swing.
How I will do this, I do not yet know, maybe I will be guided, and I certainly hope so. I need a mission to make sense of it all, of constructing a story of a life so short to shout out in hidden grief where few dare to go. Instead they cross the street while my tears fall, leaving me lonely, so frightened and alone with it all. Oh just sod off then! I yell as the scream leaves my throat to ears and eyes which remain firmly closed. I am now the social disease, to touch such a leper means they will lose their baby too. How ignorant they are, how bloody awful I must be then, adding to a societal failure that my baby died too.
She had to leave I do not know why, to show the sodding know-it-alls that she did not have to die. They know that and I know it too, yet few will it admit it when their noses are so high. You see they forget the baby I sang to sleep as the stars crept closer and the angels were at my feet. And so they carried her to that place I know not where, to be with others and to play and skip in golden fields over there. They bounce so much that the rain begins to fall to add to the drops on my face that are permanently there. As I look up, I know where she is, skipping away on that cloud right over there. So my Little Miss Cloud hopper is not far away, she is ever near and singing away in that sweet cherub voice, a lullaby to Mummy to ease her to sleep.
Goodnight Mummy I love you so, I love you to angel, be with me in my dreams.
From a Mummy and Little Miss Cloudhopper
Kerry x and x Bron
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